[job interviewer voice] we found naked pictures of you during a quick google search for your name and we wish to inform you…… that your bod is slammin’ 10/10 you’re hired see you monday
OH MY GOD IOS7 SENDS YOUR EMAILS FROM THE NAME SIRI CALLS YOU.
I’VE BEEN SIGNING EMAILS TO MY BOSS AS “JAY-Z”
oh MY GFUCKING GOD
Your socks don’t need to match but your eyebrows should
i don’t understand why it’s illegal to have sex with a miner they provide us with coal and electricity they deserve a little fun
"Does he tell you he loves you when you least expect it? Does he flutter your heart when he kisses your neck? No scientist or biology, it’s obvious when he’s holding me. It’s only natural that I’m so affected"
My roommate and I are really sick and we look like shit, but we were hungry so we ordered pizza.
But we didn’t want anyone to see us, so we asked them over the phone if we can leave the money on the door and they can just drop off the pizza.
The guy said sure.
So we decided to leave a nice little note
and we hung it above the door bell. I hope they like it!
u wake up on christmas morning and go downstairs, full of excitement. somebody is stealing all of your christmas presents. it is jesus. “its my birthday, not yours” he hisses menacingly, then runs away with all your gifts in his arms
if puppies could talk i would never even want to try and make human friends ever again
but this is literally some ‘admiring ur crush until they look ur way’ shit
sometimes I get really stressed out because my body doesn’t match society’s expectations of beauty and sex appeal
and one night I was complaining about it to my sister and she said
"It’s not very punk rock to meet society’s expectations"
I think she changed my life